Solution Stories 2.
Linda Tames Her Tiger

by Dr. Ben Furman

Linda Tames Her Tiger is a story about a little girl who finds a solution to her temper tantrums. In this story Linda finds out that her mother also used to suffer from the same problem as a child, and is told how her grandfather had helped her mother overcome the problem many years ago.

Page 6
- Linda is such a lovely girl said granny, and she is so nice as well.
- She is nice most of the time but not all the time, said mother with a sigh.
- Well I think she is always nice, answered granny.

Page 7
- You don't know everything. At times she is quite impossible, said mother sadly.
- All children can sometimes be a bit difficult. It's not that serious, said granny trying to calm mother down.
- You don't understand. Linda gets out of control. She has fierce temper tantrums. I am afraid that soon I won't be able to take it any longer. Yesterday she had an attack like that at the shopping centre. It was terrible. Everyone was watching us. I am sure they thought that I am an awful mother who cannot raise my children properly. Mother felt like crying.

Page 8
- It's not your fault if Linda has temper tantrums, said granny reassuringly.
Many children have tantrums. You even had tantrums when you were little. I remember one time you were screaming and throwing yourself all over the place so fiercely that you wet you pants.
- I don't remember anything like that, said mother with a smile on her face.
- You don't have to remember everything, said granny and had a sip of coffee.
All I am saying is that it wasn't all that easy you either.
- How did I get over the temper tantrums? Did it happen by itself or did you do something, asked mother.

Page 9
I don't really remember. I think you arranged some kind of competition with your father. I remember both of you lying on the floor competing who could throw the wildest temper tantrum. I don't know exactly what you did but whatever it was it appeared to help you get rid of your tantrums. Perhaps you should ask your father, he remembers better. Who knows, perhaps you could do something similar with Linda.

Page 10
Mother spoke to Linda:
- Granny just told me that when I was a child, I had tantrums similar to yours. She said that grandpa helped me get rid of my tantrums and that he knows how to help children overcome them. Shall we go and ask him what we can do to help you overcome your tantrums? What do you say?

Linda wondered why grandpa knew how to get rid of temper tantrums. Perhaps he also had temper tantrums as a child.
- Yes, let's go, said Linda taking her mother by the hand.

Page 11
Together they went to grandpa who was working in the garden. Linda was curious to find out what grandpa would say.

Page 12

- Hello grandpa, said mother, do you remember me having temper tantrums when I was a child?
- Sure I do. We called them tiger bouts. You were furious as a tiger cub. You cried and raged and would not let anybody hold you.

Page 14
- Why on earth did I do that, wondered mother.
- I don't know but usually something annoyed you. It could have been a small thing like that we would refuse to buy you another ice cream cone, or that we insisted that you buckle your seat belt. When you became angry you simply could not stop it. That was when we said that the tiger inside you had lost its temper.

Mother thought for a moment. Then she remembered that as a child she had in fact made a drawing of her inner tiger. She had the feeling that she still had that picture in a box that contained memories from her childhood. She remembered that her tiger had been so fierce that even she was afraid of it.

Page 15
- Linda is like that too. She has difficulties stopping her fury even when she wants to.

Page 16
- How did mom get rid of the Tiger, Linda asked grandpa?
- She didn't get rid of it, said grandpa. She tamed it.
- How did she tame it, asked Linda with a keen look on her face.
- Is it true that you competed with me to see who could throw the fiercest tantrum? That is what granny said. Is it true?
- No it's not true, said grandpa. It was not a competition. I just showed you how to tame one's tiger. When I showed you, you did the same and grandma must have thought that we were competing.
- So how did you tame the tiger, asked Linda.

Page 17
- We can show you how you mom tamed hers if you want, said grandpa.
- Yes, show me, said Linda. I want to see.
- All right we can show you, said grandpa. He turned to mother and said, shall we show Linda how we did?
- I would like to show her, but I don't remember what we did, said mother.
- Don't worry about that. I will tell you what to do. You will remember, said grandpa. Then he gave mother the following instructions:
- Ask me to give you this spade. I will refuse to give it to you. You will not take no for an answer and you will continue to ask for it.. I will still not give the spade to you. You will become so angry that the tiger inside you wakes up and also becomes angry. Right when you are in the middle of your terrible tiger tantrum, I will say the magic word 'freeze'. When you hear that word 'freeze' you will immediately stop the tantrum and act as if nothing had happened. Do you understand the instructions? Asked grandpa.
- Yes I do, said mom.

Page 18
I vaguely remember the Tiger, said mother, but I don't remember this game of freezing in the middle of the tantrum. Let's do it anyway. At that very moment mother suddenly turned to grandpa, and said: "Give me that spade!"

- No I won't give you the spade, grandpa said decisively.
At that point mother started screaming with a loud voice. Linda was frightened even though she knew that it was just make-believe. Mother then threw herself onto the ground, and started cursing grandpa with words that Linda had never heard before. Mother even tried to spit on grandpa, not for real of course, but it all looked very real to Linda. Mother was such a good actor.

Page 19
- Then suddenly grandpa said 'freeze', and in that very moment mom stopped the play tantrum, stood up as if nothing had happened, and brushed her clothes with her hands. Linda was hoping that nobody had seen what her mother had just done. What would her friends think if they had seen her mother having a tantrum on the lawn as if she was a two-year old baby?

page 20
- This is the way you tame tigers explained grandpa. First you wake up your tiger and then when it is really angry, you suddenly calm it down. If you want, I can show you how good I am at taming my tiger. Shall I show you? Asked grandpa.
- You don't have to, said mother, I think Linda already has quite a good idea of how to do it.

Page 21
Linda nodded. She found the thought of her grandfather throwing a tantrum on the lawn amusing, but it was not something she wanted to happen for real. In fact she was afraid that some of her friends would find out that her family was so strange that the adults threw themselves on the ground to have tantrums for no reason at all.

Page 22
That evening, when Linda was already in bed getting ready to go to sleep, mom came to her and said,
- Linda, look what I found in my box in the attic. This is the drawing that I made of my Tiger as a child. What do you think about it?
- That's a really good drawing, said Linda. I didn't know you were such a good artist.
- Thank you, said mother. Tomorrow you can draw a picture of your tiger and then we can start to practice taming it the way I did with grandpa.
- I don't want to, said Linda. It was horrible when you screamed and shouted to grandpa the way you did. You have to promise me never to do anything like that again.

Page 23
- But I did it just to show you how to do it. It was just a game. I was not really angry at grandpa.
- Whatever, but I think I want to tame my tiger in another way, said Linda.
- Do you think you will be able to, asked mother.
- My tiger is already quite tame, said Linda.

The story is followed by an article written for parents and other caregivers. In it Dr. Furman speaks to parents about temper tantrums and how to deal with them.

Temper tantrums: what they are and how to help children overcome them. An overview by Dr. Ben Furman

A temper tantrum is a prolonged, uncontrollable outburst of anger in children. A tantrum starts with the child experiencing frustration. When the child is denied something he wants, or has to submit to something he does not want, then the child becomes angry and starts to cry or scream. The child's anger increases and soon gets out of proportion. Soon the child is no longer in control of his rage, and one could say that the rage is control of the child. At this stage the child is not only screaming but also expressing his fury in other ways such as by swearing, biting, spitting, hitting, kicking or trying to destroy property. The tantrum may be over in a couple of minutes but in some cases fits may last over half an hour. Gradually, the tantrum ceases, but usually only after the child has sobbed relentlessly for a period of time. After the tantrum the child is usually tired and may even fall asleep from exhaustion.

Temper tantrums are common for two-year-olds, but may occur from the age of one and half upwards. As a rule, children grow out of tantrums by at age three, or four, but there are children who have tantrums up until age six or seven. It is normal for two-year-olds to have tantrums, but beyond that age tantrums start to cause suffering not only for the child's family but for the child itself. Even if tantrums tend to fade away on their own with time, there are methods that can be used to help children get rid of tantrums.

One mother told me that at some point she had become so fed up with the tantrums of her six year old son that one day, she accidentally found a solution that worked astonishingly well. When once again to the mother's dismay the son started a tantrum in the local supermarket, the mother, without thinking, threw herself on the floor next to her son and started screaming and shouting just like him. Her son, who had just started his tantrum stopped immediately. He looked very worried and said: "Stop it mom. Don't. Stand up. I am ashamed of you!" "Oh really" said mother and stood up. Mother then returned home with her son as if nothing had happened, and there was no talk about what had occurred. When one day later that week when the son was about to throw a tantrum, looked him straight in the eyes and said: "If you are going to have one,, I'll have one too!" The son stopped immediately. A while later when the son showed signs that he was about to have a tantrum, it was enough for the mother just to look her son in the eyes and remind him that "If you are going to have one, I'll have one too!"

Are tantrums harmful?
In and of themselves tantrums are harmless, but during the attack a child can do something potentially dangerous such as run into the street, destroy valuable property, or become violent towards himself or toward others. For this reason you should not leave a child who is having a tantrum without supervision unless you know from experience that he is able to calm himself down safely.

Some children cry during their tantrums so forcefully that their throat muscles go into spasm blocking their airways. During such a so-called affect spasm (I don't know any other word for it, but affect spasm sounds good to me) the child's face turns blue and the child may even temporarily lose consciousness. When this happens he may suddenly becomes slack and even show jerky movements of the extremities. Affect cramps look alarming but they are not dangerous either. If your child has affect cramps during tantrums you are advised to consult with a paediatrician.

What should you do when a child is having a tantrum?
It is difficult to calm down a child that is experiencing a tantrum. Trying to talk reason to the child ("Don't make a scene. We have decided not to buy you another ice scream and we will not change that."), or scolding the child ("Stop that! You are not a baby any more, are you?") generally only serve to make matters worse. Many parents also try to distract the child's attention with something else during a real temper tantrum, which usually is no avail.

With smaller children it is often helpful to hold the child tightly in your lap until the child calms down. The firm holding of the child, can in the best case, make the child feel secure and help him calm down. Often the child tries to fight to free himself of the hold for a time, then gives up, calms down, and appears to be at ease. The holding method does not, however, work with older children because it is very difficult to firmly hold a strong child who is doing his best to fight back and may even try to spit, scratch, or bite the person trying to hold him.

Many parents decide to leave the child alone and let him scream and shout until the tantrum passes. As part of this strategy parents often say something like "There is plenty of room for your screams in the world" or "Screaming only makes your lungs stronger". Many parenting experts recommend that when children have tantrums parents should remain as calm as possible. They should send the message that what the child feels is OK but his behaviour is not. "You are mad because I will not buy you that. You have the right to be angry about that. I would also be angry if I wanted something very much and someone told me that I can't have it. But I don't your screaming and shouting and I am sure you don't enjoy it either. But don't worry. It will pass. When it's over we can do something fun."

How can you prevent tantrums?
If a child has tantrums only on days when he has not had his nap or when he has not slept well the night before, the best way to prevent tantrums is of course to ensure that he gets enough sleep. The same is true for situations in which the child only has tantrums when his blood sugar level is low. In such cases the best way to prevent tantrums is to make sure the child eats often enough.

Sometimes people think that tantrums are caused by the fact that the child's parents have spoiled the child by giving in to every whim. This is untrue. Tantrums appear in both those children who have been spoiled and those who have not been spoiled. Regardless of this, parents should never give in to a child who is having a tantrum. If the child learns that he can get his way by having a tantrum, it may be difficult for him to understand that getting rid of tantrums is in his best interest.

What causes tantrums?
The regulation of aggression in the human brain is a complex process. To simplify things one could say that our brains have two kinds of nerves, the kind that generate feelings of anger and the kind that inhibit or calm those very same feelings. In children who have temper tantrums the nerves that generate anger are normally developed but the nerves that inhibit and calm down anger are poorly developed.

If your 'anger starting nerve' is strong but your 'anger stopping nerve' is weak then your anger is fierce, tends to lasts a long time, and is hard to stop. Fortunately the 'anger stopping nerve' can be strengthened just like a muscle; the more you train it, the stronger it becomes.

How can you help children overcome tantrums?
The story told in this book describes a game with which children can strengthen their 'anger stopping nerve', and control their tantrums. In the story, controlling one's tantrums is referred to as 'taming one's tiger' but it could just as well be called "calming down the dragon" or "exercising your anger stopping nerve".

In order for the child to be able to practice controlling his tantrums, he should first learn to willingly produce tantrums. This means that the child needs to start the training by learning to perform tantrums. A prerequisite for this is that the adults talk with the child frankly about the tantrums and discuss the details of his tantrum behaviour. If the child is ashamed of his tantrums and therefore does wish to talk about them you may be able to help him become less ashamed by:

· Explaining to the child that the tantrums are not his fault, but that some creature that lives inside him or her causes them.
· Tell the child that many other people, perhaps even his own parents, have had similar bouts as children.
· Offer the child an opportunity to see how you yourself and possibly other people demonstrate tantrums.

Sometimes merely talking openly about the tantrums and performing them may be enough to help the child overcome the problem.

One mother tells about how years ago when her daughter had a tantrum at the shopping mall, she had grabbed her by the hand and dragged her to their car in the parking lot to calm her down. Once back home she had talked with her daughter about what had happened and said: "You don't know how to have a real tantrum. The tantrum that you had at the mall was so weak that I was almost ashamed of you. In our family we have real tantrums. I'll show you how to have a real tantrum." The mother showed her astonished daughter how to have a real tantrum. She even tried to teach her daughter to do the same - but with meagre results. The method worked so well that she later used the same method with her two younger children. She is now a grandmother, and by now two of her children have successfully used the same method with their children.

In addition to performing the tantrums you can also add the element of practising stopping the tantrum at will, as was done in the story of this book.

The method described in this book is applicable not only to tantrums but also to many other problems where the child has difficulty controlling his own behaviour. The basic principle here is that first you teach the child to voluntarily perform the very same behaviour you want him to get rid of. Then you discuss with the child various ways in which he could stop that behaviour, and find a way he can train that skill.

To sum up, if you are at odds with a child who is having tantrums

· Remove the child from the situation to a place where he can calm down.
· Don't give in to the child when he throws a temper tantrum.
· Find a playful approach to teaching the child how he can learn to become better at controlling his anger.