![\"veikka300\"](\"https:\/\/www.kidsskills.org\/WP-fin\/wp-content\/uploads\/veikka300.jpg\")
<\/a>In this book (only available in Finnish) psychiatrist Ben Furman M.D. tells the story of Dan, who, as it turns out, has stolen some money from his father. Dan\u2019s parents find a way to deal with his wrongdoing in a constructive fashion helping him take responsibility for his action. The book includes an article for parents and educators where Dr. Furman elaborates on The Steps of Responsibility, a method with which parents can deal constructively with the wrongdoings of children. The translation of the story is provided below.<\/em><\/p>\nFather was out washing his car. Mother was cleaning the house. Dan was outside playing ball with his friends. As mum was cleaning Dan\u2019s room, to her surprise, she found several ten-euro notes from within Dan\u2019s night table drawer. Mum counted them. There were eight of them to be exact. Where on earth had Dan gotten so much money, mum thought to herself.<\/p>\n
Mum went to dad and said,<\/p>\n
\u2014 No I haven\u2019t. Perhaps he got the money from grandpa or grandma. Or he has taken it from the drawer of my desk where I keep my cash.<\/p>\n \u2014 Oh no, Dan would never do anything like that, exclaimed mum in a horrified tone of voice.<\/p>\n At that mum went to the phone to ring up grandma. She said she hadn’t given any money to Dan for a while and that neither had grandpa.<\/p>\n Could it really be the case that Dan had snatched the money from dad\u2019s drawer? Mum was worried. He ought to know that you just don\u2019t do that. After all, it is stealing to take money from another person.<\/p>\n \u2014 Dan has not gotten the money from grandparents, mum said to dad. What shall we do now?<\/p>\n \u2014 That\u2019s terrible, exclaimed mum. How could that be possible? Doesn’t he understand that it\u2019s wrong. Have we done something wrong in raising him? Mother was clearly upset about what had happened.<\/p>\n \u2014 Don\u2019t worry about it, dad tried to calm mother down. First of all we don\u2019t even know for sure where the money came from and the other thing is that almost all children snatch something at some stage. Even I did it when I was small. I once snatched a chocolate bar from a shop, dad confessed to mum. If Dan has taken the money we simply need to make him understand that he shouldn’t do things like that.<\/p>\n \u2014 Yes, and he has to promise never to do it again, mum added.<\/p>\n \u2014 I once took some coins\u00a0from my mother\u2019s purse and bought sweets with it. said mum. I was caught and was punished with a weeklong curfew.<\/p>\n \u2014 There you go, said dad. It is not uncommon. The important thing is that we talk with Dan about it and deal with it.<\/p>\n That evening there was a serious conversation at the dinner table.<\/p>\n \u2014 I cleaned your room today, Dan, and I found these eight ten-euro notes in your night table drawer. This is a lot of money. Where did you get it?<\/p>\n \u2014 I got it from grandma.<\/p>\n Mom waited for a while and then said:<\/p>\n \u2014 I called grandma today and she told me she hasn’t given you any such money. Dan lowered his head. He was ashamed. He didn’t want to confess that he had taken the money from dad\u2019s desk drawer.<\/p>\n \u2014 I think it is best if you tell exactly how it is, said dad. We do not intend to punish you. We just want to talk to you about it and therefore we need to understand what has happened.<\/p>\n \u2014 When did it happen? Asked dad.<\/p>\n \u2014 A few days ago, said Dan. He had tears in his eyes.<\/p>\n \u2014 How many times have you been to my drawer?<\/p>\n \u2014 I don\u2019t remember, said Dan holding back his crying.<\/p>\n \u2014 We are not in any hurry. Take your time and think about it, said dad. Have you been to the drawer more than once?<\/p>\n \u2014 Yes, I have.<\/p>\n \u2014 Two or three times.<\/p>\n \u2014 Two times.<\/p>\n \u2014 All right, said dad.<\/p>\n \u2014 Dan, you surely know that what you have done is wrong. Taking another person\u2019s money without permission is stealing even if it was from a member of your own family.<\/p>\n \u2014 I know that, said Dan with an embarrassed look on his face. He was afraid that either mum or dad would next ask him: So why did you do it? He knew he would not have been able to answer that question. Fortunately neither of them asked that question. Instead, dad asked Dan:<\/p>\n \u2014 Why shouldn’t a person take another person\u2019s money, asked dad.<\/p>\n \u2014 Because it\u2019s not one\u2019s own money, answered Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 That\u2019s right but why shouldn\u2019t a person take someone else\u2019s money, dad continued.<\/p>\n \u2014 Because you hurt the other person\u2019s feelings, said Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 You are right, but that\u2019s not all. The money that you take may be put aside for a reason, say for Christmas presents or something else important to be bought, and then all of a sudden there is no money to buy those things. That\u2019s not nice, is it?<\/p>\n \u2014 No it isn\u2019t, said Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 If you have taken money from another person without permission do you need to give it back, asked mum.<\/p>\n \u2014 Yes, said Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 Is this all the money or have you already used some of it? Asked mum.<\/p>\n \u2014 It\u2019s all. I swear. I haven\u2019t used a cent.<\/p>\n Mum handed the money over to Dan and Dan handed them directly back to dad.<\/p>\n \u2014 Thanks, said dad.<\/p>\n \u2014 Are you going to apologise to\u00a0dad? Asked mum.<\/p>\n Dan lowered his head and muttered with a soft voice:<\/p>\n \u2014 Sorry.<\/p>\n \u2014 I think it is a good thing that you apologise to\u00a0your dad, but to be honest I think you should speak up and see him in the eyes when you say to him you are sorry, mum suggested.<\/p>\n Dan looked his dad in the eyes and said \u201dsorry\u201d again. This time with a louder voice.<\/p>\n \u2014 That\u2019s it. Well done, said mum.<\/p>\n \u2014 Somehow I think that returning the money and the apology is not quite enough in this case. I think you should also make it up somehow to your dad.<\/p>\n \u2014 How can I do that, asked Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 You could perhaps do dad a favour.<\/p>\n \u2014 I can wash your car dad, Dan quickly suggested.<\/p>\n \u2014 I think I will wash my car myself, said dad, but I can think about it. Let\u2019s agree that I will tell you in the evening how you can make it up to me.<\/p>\n \u2014 That\u2019s fine with me, agreed Dan.<\/p>\n After a moment of silence mum said to Dan in a soft voice:<\/p>\n \u2014 Will you promise that you\u2019ll never do anything like this again?<\/p>\n \u2014 I wont, said Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 We believe you but just to make sure, don\u2019t you think we should have an agreement about what to do should you break your promise?<\/p>\n \u2014 I don\u2019t mind. We can have any agreement you like cause I wont take any money from anybody without permission ever again.<\/p>\n \u2014 All right. Let\u2019s make the deal that if despite your promise you ever do anything like that again you shall apologise so that your grandparents will also be there when you do it.<\/p>\n \u2014 I\u2019m ok with that, said Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 I have come up with an idea of how you can make up to me that you took the money from my drawer, dad said.<\/p>\n \u2014 What can I do, asked Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 In one of my drawers I have a huge collection of coins from different countries. I want you to arrange the coins and\u00a0put the coins from\u00a0different countries into different jars.\u00a0And because you are so good in maths, I want you to tell me how much money there is in each container. What do you say?<\/p>\n \u2014 That\u2019s cool, said Dan with delight in his voice. He had imagined that in order to make up for what he had done he would need to take on dad\u2019s turn to wash dishes for a year.<\/p>\n \u2014 And then there is one more thing, said dad. What will you do if out of the blue you get an urge to take someone\u2019s money without permission?<\/p>\n \u2014 I don\u2019t take it, answered Dan.<\/p>\n \u2014 Correct. And what do you do instead?<\/p>\n \u2014 I ask if I can get some?<\/p>\n \u2014 That\u2019s right, said dad, and when your baby sister will be born next summer, and when she grows up, then one day you will teach her not take anybody\u2019s things without permission, that she too needs to learn to ask for permission to take other people\u2019s things.<\/p>\n \u2014 I will teach her that, said Dan.<\/p>\n Dad caressed Dan\u2019s head.<\/p>\n \u2014 Do you now have the money to buy the Christmas presents, asked Dan.<\/p>\n Dad smiled.<\/p>\n \u2014 Don\u2019t worry about it. I have money for the presents all right, said dad and gave Dan a goodnight kiss.<\/p>\n At some point in their development all children do something wrong or forbidden, such as lying, stealing, bullying, or something else they know to be wrong.<\/p>\n When a child does something wrong the first time, parents usually explain him that what he did was wrong and that he is not supposed to do that. But when the child does the same wrong thing again, it is not so easy for a parent to know what to do. Conventionally it has been thought that children should be punished when they do forbidden things but many parents have found that punishment does not necessarily help children change their behaviour. In fact, punishment may sometimes even make things worse.<\/p>\n So what to do when children do forbidden things? The story of this book describes a method called Steps of Responsibility. In this approach you don’t reprimand or punish the child, or try to explain or teach him a lesson about how wrong his behaviour was. Instead you offer him an opportunity to take responsibility for his behaviour. This means that the child will be given an opportunity to convince his parents, as well as other people, that he will not do anything similar again. But how exactly does the child do that? What does he need to do to prove that his parents need not be afraid that he repeats his wrongdoing?<\/p>\n When a child takes responsibility for his action, he does six things. These are:<\/p>\n \u2666 He frankly admits to what he has done and is willing to discuss the details of what has happened.<\/p>\n \u2666 He shows that he understands why what he did is wrong and is able to explain what negative consequences or danger his behaviour caused to other people.<\/p>\n \u2666 He apologises for what he has done.<\/p>\n \u2666 He shows his willingness to make up by entering a conversation about how he could do it.<\/p>\n \u2666 He promises never to do anything similar again and makes an agreement about what will happen if he, despite all, brekes his promise and does something similar again.<\/p>\n \u2666 He is willing to do something to prevent other children from doing similar things.<\/p>\n<\/a> \u2014 I found eight ten-euro notes in Dan\u2019s drawer. Do you know where he might have gotten so much money? Have you given those notes to him?<\/p>\n<\/a>\u2014 I checked my desk drawer, said dad. It seems to me that some money is missing. It could well be that Dan has taken those ten-euro notes from there.<\/p>\n<\/a>Mum remembered the time when she was a child. She remembered that she too had at some stage taken some money from her parents without permission.<\/p>\n<\/a>Dan was silent. He was apparently thinking about how to answer. Then he said:<\/p>\n<\/a>\u2014 Have you taken the money from dad\u2019s drawer? asked mum looking straight Dan in the eye. Dan didn’t say a word but he nodded in agreement.<\/p>\n<\/a>That evening, as always, dad went to Dan\u2019s room to give him a goodnight kiss. When dad sat on Dan\u2019s bed, he said:<\/p>\nHow do you help a child take responsibility for his or her actions<\/h3>\n