Temper tantrums
What they are and how to help children overcome them
An overview by Dr. Ben Furman

A temper tantrum is a prolonged, uncontrollable outburst of anger in children. A tantrum starts with the child experiencing frustration. When the child is denied something he wants, or has to submit to something he does not want, then the child becomes angry and starts to cry or scream. The child's anger increases and soon gets out of proportion. Soon the child is no longer in control of his rage, and one could say that the rage is control of the child. At this stage the child is not only screaming but also expressing his fury in other ways such as by swearing, biting, spitting, hitting, kicking or trying to destroy property. The tantrum may be over in a couple of minutes but in some cases fits may last over half an hour. Gradually, the tantrum ceases, but usually only after the child has sobbed relentlessly for a period of time. After the tantrum the child is usually tired and may even fall asleep from exhaustion.

Temper tantrums are common for two-year-olds, but may occur from the age of one and half upwards. As a rule, children grow out of tantrums by at age three, or four, but there are children who have tantrums up until age six or seven. It is normal for two-year-olds to have tantrums, but beyond that age tantrums start to cause suffering not only for the child's family but for the child itself. Even if tantrums tend to fade away on their own with time, there are methods that can be used to help children get rid of tantrums.

One mother told me that at some point she had become so fed up with the tantrums of her six year old son that one day, she accidentally found a solution that worked astonishingly well. When once again to the mother's dismay the son started a tantrum in the local supermarket, the mother, without thinking, threw herself on the floor next to her son and started screaming and shouting just like him. Her son, who had just started his tantrum stopped immediately. He looked very worried and said: "Stop it mom. Don't. Stand up. I am ashamed of you!" "Oh really" said mother and stood up. Mother then returned home with her son as if nothing had happened, and there was no talk about what had occurred. When one day later that week when the son was about to throw a tantrum, looked him straight in the eyes and said: "If you are going to have one,, I'll have one too!" The son stopped immediately. A while later when the son showed signs that he was about to have a tantrum, it was enough for the mother just to look her son in the eyes and remind him that "If you are going to have one, I'll have one too!"

Are tantrums harmful?
In and of themselves tantrums are harmless, but during the attack a child can do something potentially dangerous such as run into the street, destroy valuable property, or become violent towards himself or toward others. For this reason you should not leave a child who is having a tantrum without supervision unless you know from experience that he is able to calm himself down safely.

Some children cry during their tantrums so forcefully that their throat muscles go into spasm blocking their airways. During such a so-called affect spasm (I don't know any other word for it, but affect spasm sounds good to me) the child's face turns blue and the child may even temporarily lose consciousness. When this happens he may suddenly becomes slack and even show jerky movements of the extremities. Affect cramps look alarming but they are not dangerous either. If your child has affect cramps during tantrums you are advised to consult with a paediatrician.

What should you do when a child is having a tantrum?
It is difficult to calm down a child that is experiencing a tantrum. Trying to talk reason to the child ("Don't make a scene. We have decided not to buy you another ice scream and we will not change that."), or scolding the child ("Stop that! You are not a baby any more, are you?") generally only serve to make matters worse. Many parents also try to distract the child's attention with something else during a real temper tantrum, which usually is no avail.

With smaller children it is often helpful to hold the child tightly in your lap until the child calms down. The firm holding of the child, can in the best case, make the child feel secure and help him calm down. Often the child tries to fight to free himself of the hold for a time, then gives up, calms down, and appears to be at ease. The holding method does not, however, work with older children because it is very difficult to firmly hold a strong child who is doing his best to fight back and may even try to spit, scratch, or bite the person trying to hold him.

Many parents decide to leave the child alone and let him scream and shout until the tantrum passes. As part of this strategy parents often say something like "There is plenty of room for your screams in the world" or "Screaming only makes your lungs stronger". Many parenting experts recommend that when children have tantrums parents should remain as calm as possible. They should send the message that what the child feels is OK but his behaviour is not. "You are mad because I will not buy you that. You have the right to be angry about that. I would also be angry if I wanted something very much and someone told me that I can't have it. But I don't your screaming and shouting and I am sure you don't enjoy it either. But don't worry. It will pass. When it's over we can do something fun."

How can you prevent tantrums?
If a child has tantrums only on days when he has not had his nap or when he has not slept well the night before, the best way to prevent tantrums is of course to ensure that he gets enough sleep. The same is true for situations in which the child only has tantrums when his blood sugar level is low. In such cases the best way to prevent tantrums is to make sure the child eats often enough.

Sometimes people think that tantrums are caused by the fact that the child's parents have spoiled the child by giving in to every whim. This is untrue. Tantrums appear in both those children who have been spoiled and those who have not been spoiled. Regardless of this, parents should never give in to a child who is having a tantrum. If the child learns that he can get his way by having a tantrum, it may be difficult for him to understand that getting rid of tantrums is in his best interest.

What causes tantrums?
The regulation of aggression in the human brain is a complex process. To simplify things one could say that our brains have two kinds of nerves, the kind that generate feelings of anger and the kind that inhibit or calm those very same feelings. In children who have temper tantrums the nerves that generate anger are normally developed but the nerves that inhibit and calm down anger are poorly developed.

If your 'anger starting nerve' is strong but your 'anger stopping nerve' is weak then your anger is fierce, tends to lasts a long time, and is hard to stop. Fortunately the 'anger stopping nerve' can be strengthened just like a muscle; the more you train it, the stronger it becomes.

How can you help children overcome tantrums?
The story told in this book describes a game with which children can strengthen their 'anger stopping nerve', and control their tantrums. In the story, controlling one's tantrums is referred to as 'taming one's tiger' but it could just as well be called "calming down the dragon" or "exercising your anger stopping nerve".

In order for the child to be able to practice controlling his tantrums, he should first learn to willingly produce tantrums. This means that the child needs to start the training by learning to perform tantrums. A prerequisite for this is that the adults talk with the child frankly about the tantrums and discuss the details of his tantrum behaviour. If the child is ashamed of his tantrums and therefore does wish to talk about them you may be able to help him become less ashamed by:

· Explaining to the child that the tantrums are not his fault, but that some creature that lives inside him or her causes them.
· Tell the child that many other people, perhaps even his own parents, have had similar bouts as children.
· Offer the child an opportunity to see how you yourself and possibly other people demonstrate tantrums.

Sometimes merely talking openly about the tantrums and performing them may be enough to help the child overcome the problem.

One mother tells about how years ago when her daughter had a tantrum at the shopping mall, she had grabbed her by the hand and dragged her to their car in the parking lot to calm her down. Once back home she had talked with her daughter about what had happened and said: "You don't know how to have a real tantrum. The tantrum that you had at the mall was so weak that I was almost ashamed of you. In our family we have real tantrums. I'll show you how to have a real tantrum." The mother showed her astonished daughter how to have a real tantrum. She even tried to teach her daughter to do the same - but with meagre results. The method worked so well that she later used the same method with her two younger children. She is now a grandmother, and by now two of her children have successfully used the same method with their children.

In addition to performing the tantrums you can also add the element of practising stopping the tantrum at will, as was done in the story of this book.

The method described in this book is applicable not only to tantrums but also to many other problems where the child has difficulty controlling his own behaviour. The basic principle here is that first you teach the child to voluntarily perform the very same behaviour you want him to get rid of. Then you discuss with the child various ways in which he could stop that behaviour, and find a way he can train that skill.

To sum up, if you are at odds with a child who is having tantrums

· Remove the child from the situation to a place where he can calm down.
· Don't give in to the child when he throws a temper tantrum.
· Find a playful approach to teaching the child how he can learn to become better at controlling his anger.